I tried to hitchhike home last night. I got a half an hour out of town until I realized I would have to explain my reasons for being home and have my mum start to worry. I didn’t want to talk. So I started to walk home. I was drunk off my arse as I couldn’t walk straight. I walked about a km along the highway before a man in a Volkswagen picked me up. He told me never to walk by myself because the streets weren’t safe for a pretty girl like me. I agreed but thinking, shit I don’t give a shit about myself, and secretly I wanted something to happen, I wanted it to happen so it wouldn’t be my fault.

Step one is orientation. The big O-week which will probably be the greatest party of your life.

I know I’m not enjoying myself, so obviously I’m doing something wrong.

I like the situation, I like the thought, and I like the lifestyle…. But I don’t like the content… I don’t like what I’m becoming.

University becomes an arduous task.

“Benson and Hedges smooth please Harry.”

The local grocer. The only man in my life that is reliable, self sufficient

I have taken up smoking. It’s a bit ironic as I used to be one of those people who despised people who smoke. I took it up right after the abortion. I guess it’s a little better than many of the other addictions I could have adopted; Alcohol or illicit drugs for example. I’m not saying I didn’t try them just that they messed with my head too much; and it was already messed up enough.

I remember the exact day I began smoking. I was standing in the local liquor store looking at all the different brands of goon I could purchase and I just broke down in tears. I couldn’t stop myself, it was embarrassing. I was looking at them thinking I just want to get a feeling, any feeling to make everything else numb. I ended up walking away with the pack of cigarettes. I smoked half a pack that night. Never had I felt so sick.

Who I am, who I’m not… I don’t think I will ever know.

My mum is my guardian angel. When I was anorexic I spent days at home studying for my HSC, not being very productive, I couldn’t find the energy to do any work. She would come home everyday with small bags of nuts and avocado to put on rice crackers. At the time she said to eat them to keep my energy up and they wouldn’t make me put on any weight. I started having a packet of nuts a day. Through this it made me want more food so I would mix it with yogurts and muesli. By the end of the HSC I was eating two meals a day. It’s funny because at the time I didn’t realize what she was trying to do. She’s a very cleaver woman my mother.

Mum, I know it seemed like I wandered away,

I know my broken heart caused yours to break,

My mother,

When friends abandon me,

I have you,

You’re just the same.

With your arms around me,

I feel like I’m not to blame,

I see confidence.

When the days are sunny,

And the nights are long,

The people around me haunt me.

When the pieces fall apart

When they don’t want me,

You always come through,

I have you.

The world as cold as ice,

You’re the same

Bodies turn a cold shoulder,

You look,

You speak,

You smile,

You’re the same,

I’m not alone.

My Court case….

If you let people close, you let them inside your space and present them with the power and capability to hurt you, if you don’t let them in you hurt yourself….

The question is do you take the chance and ride the continual cycle they call love?

William Gallwey. The name that needs at least fifteen sessions alone. Where exactly do I start?

The first time I met him was when I was in my first year of college. I was young and alive and I really didn’t care what he was. It wasn’t until my second year and second semester that we became close. He pulled me out of my cage of depression and spiral of self destruction, making me feel as though I was the only person in the world that mattered. I can’t explain the way he looked at me, but unless you have had that feeling or experienced it for yourself it can’t be explain.

He was there the night I got raped for the second time. He paid for the $70 dollar cab ride home. My reaction was to make sure he was ok. He kept getting these ridiculous messages saying that I was a slut and for him to get away from me. No one knew what had actually happened that night except me, my best friend and will. They only knew that I had had sex when I was with Will.

Eight weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was at his house and I knew full well how it had happened. Still, I told him it was his. He paid for the whole thing. I became depressed.

I am really a terrible person when it comes down to it. I think of myself. Even writing this actually demonstrates that I only think of myself. However give me a bit more time and I’ll explain how circumstances led me to exclude Will completely from my life and burn all possessions he had ever given me. Like I said, I’m a bitch.

He limps along the streets and people often stare,

Their whispers and their awful taunts define the clothes he wears.

His face is locked with sorrow and histories lost the key,

His past a giant jigsaw with pieces lost at sea.

Alone he sits in the alley and no one seems to know,

Except the writing on the walls say, ‘loner here for show.’

Now and empty space fills the dark and blank alley,

And everyone forgets where the loner used to be.

Isn’t it funny how different people perceive ideas. Take for example my lecturer. Last semester I became a new kind of depressed. I took to cutting myself and running for hours on end, till my legs ached and my head throbbed from exhaustion. I needed an escape from my thoughts so I engulfed myself with my Uni work. I spent hours researching, looking for cleaver ways to do my assessments. I even sent them away to be marked by teachers who knew a lot more about grammar and spelling then me, it was definitely not one of my finer qualities. I re-read and double checked everything I handed in at least several times. When I received my marks back I got a rude awakening….

It’s the same with boys. My perception about how people will react to what happened to me is different to most boys. I would expect understanding and more of an answer to the reasons for how I act. More than not the conversation takes place in the bed room, I have had to break the guys lips free from my own long enough to tell them I won’t sleep with them. After briefly explaining the reasons why and a run down of the events that happened over the last two years their reaction turns to sympathy. I hate this. I don’t ever want to be treated differently to how hey were treating me originally, but I guess it’s inevitable. They leave and I never hear from them again. I guess I would be scared too. People see you like you have so much emotional baggage that no young boy wants to handle. I guess it just proves that regardless of who you are it’s not worth putting up with the rest.